March 2005 - Did She/He Really Say That?
From Kristy Crawford
of Tyler (court reporter for Judge Carole Clark, 321st District Court), this excerpt from a recent proceeding in court:
Judge, I agree with most of what Mr. Hogan said, but not everything.
did order it just the way it reads on the docket sheet, Judge. ... The
issue here is why did you order that? First of all, you ordered -
I can't tell you why.
I'm going to, hopefully, refresh your memory.
No. But, I mean, you can't inquire into the judicial process of the brain.
Of "the" brain?
Of the judge's brain - if she has one.
June 1989 - Did I Really Hear That?
Richard S. Robinson
of Irving (NCH Corporation) - through a friend in Brazil, Dr. Percy Heckman
- shared with me a column from the Lawyers Journal of the Brazilian Bar
Association. The column deals with testimony from Brazilian Labor
Courts, and it does demonstrate "that our U.S. witnesses have no
monopoly on saying the most unexpected things."
The Labor Court judge was questioning the owner of a bar who had been sued for overtime pay.
Q. Mr. Maual, the claimant says that he worked a minimum of two overtime hours per day. Is that true?
A. Your Honor, deep down inside it is true, but he'll never get any witness to prove it
lampshade company employee had been fired for cursing at a co-worker
when they were installing a chandelier at a customer's residence. The
employee denied that he had used profanity, so the Labor Court judge
asked him to explain what happened:
A. Well, your Honor, my
colleague was soldering some wires close to the ceiling and I was
holding the ladder. He was not paying attention to the solder that fell,
and I complained more than once. At a given point in time, on purpose,
he let fall onto my shoulder a red-hot piece of metal.
Q. (Judge, interrupting) And at that moment, what did you say?
Q. I said "Look here, dear colleague, at the hole you made in my shirt. That's all.
(There was general laughter.)
February 2004 - Ask The Dead Lawyer
This contribution is from Janis L. Scott
Victoria (Anderson, Smith, Null & Stofer). Janis explains that “for
payroll purposes for closing a home sale, I sent a request to a real
estate agent to find out who the current lender was. Apparently, the
seller had obtained owner financing but the realtor did not have many
details.” Her written response was: I asked owner if she remembered who
did closing papers and she said it was a dead lawyer. Perhaps you should
check with them.
Janis adds: “I did not ask if the lawyer died before or after they did the closing papers.”
June 1999- How Dead Was He?
From Fred A. Helms
of Austin - Fred is a staff attorney for Judge Ernest Garcia
(126th District Court) - this incident from a pretrial hearing in a toxic tort case before Judge Garcia:
Counsel (after handing Judge Garcia a sheaf of paper): Judge, if you
will examine these cases, I think you'll see that I'm entitled to disfigurement after death
[A pregnant pause, while Judge Garcia and Fred "stifle their laughter," and then the lawyer stammers ...]"Oh no, not Buchmeyer."
June 1997 - A Treasury of Typos
From Barbara Botello
of the Amarillo firm of Hinkle, Cox, etc.
1. Statements made by any person, witness, or patties
2. Identify with peculiarity
everything relating to...
3. Damages for loss of contortions
4. And for the praise
of general relief...
6. On this day personally appeared John Doe, who was not incapitated
7. The defendant in all things holy